I’ll be the first to admit it: I think about sex wayyyyy too much. I probably think about it more than any man does or should. How much is too much you ask? Let me give you a chronological time line of my day; it goes a little like this: breakfast, sex, work, sex, lunch, sex, snack, sex, afternoon commute, sex, dinner….I’m sure you get the point now. No, it’s not because I’m some uncontrollable hornball. No, it’s not because my phone is blowing up with a plethora of men trying to “take me down” (although that does happen often) and no, its most definitely NOT because I’m some type of weird narcissist who’s looking for physical attention….I think about sex so often because I’m not having any. Yup, I said it! I’m not ashamed to say it and I could care less what you have to say about it.

The decision to not be intimate with someone is a personal one, not one imposed on me by others. Let me explain: as long as I can remember I’ve always been in a relationship. Healthy ones, toxic ones, crappy ones; happy ones….but the one relationship I’ve never bothered to devote any time to is the one I’ve had with myself. I’m not embarrassed to say that like many women I’ve spent so much of my young adult life trying to make the significant other in my life feel gratified, that I made excuses as to why I was so unfulfilled. Worse yet, I convinced myself that it was “normal” to feel so unhappy.

Now don’t get me wrong, nothing against my former partners, they are all wonderful people who I learned to love as individuals as well as love interests regardless of our differences, I’ve just now come to the horrible realization that I never learned to give myself the same courtesy. It’s the same scenario every time: boy meets girl, boy chases girl, boy gets girl and then girl fades into some weird oblivion that she never comes out of. Nowhere in there did I mention girl setting boundaries for herself or girl remembering not to give everything to boy in the first 6 months huh?

The hardest part about being alone for the very first time in my life is that I didn’t know HOW to be alone. When you’re so used to always having a better half (or in many cases a worse one) by your side, you tend to forget that you still need to remain enamored with yourself. I, by all means am NO guru when it comes to love, but if you’ve been through the type of pain I’ve been through in the past few months, with very few people around you who truly understand, one day you wake up realizing that survival and healing are the only real options you have.

This brings me back to sex (because I’m sure that’s what you REALLY want to continue reading about). In case you’re wondering: yes, I miss the kissing and touching. Yes, I miss the “morning surprises” *wink* and yes, I miss the passionate moments random strangers couples share in the privacy of their bedroom. I’m human. Of course I miss those things! Sex is great, but what I miss most by far is the intimacy that comes with it. The hugs, the kisses, someone to always hold my hand. I miss somebody always being available to go out to dinners and outings. I miss lazy Saturday nights lying in bed watching crappy episodes of Jersey Shore with a beer in my hand. Most of all, I miss the comfort of having the built-in friend that comes with the luxury of having a better half. I miss everything mentioned above BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF LOSING MYSELF…AGAIN and most definitely NOT at the price of my sanity and/or happiness.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person out there reading this right now who feels this way either, I’m probably just one of the few who will admit it. However, as hard as the road has been (believe me, I have scars to prove it), I’m thankful that I’ve been to hell and back in a hand basket. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin. When the time is right, whatever or whoever is meant for me will come into my life and then I’ll be ready. Until then, the only person I’ll continue to learn how to love is myself, after all it did take me 25 years to get here. In the famous words of Carrie Bradshaw “If you can find someone to love the you YOU love, well, then that’s just Fabulous!”

Until next time, my name is Ori and that’s my story.

Just for kicks:

Pop Quiz: It’s time for work…..guess what I’m thinking about? =D

– Orisel