memories

Sex, Friends and the Shoes I Wore

If you know me, you know how much I love my shoes. They are a staple in my life and quite frankly, I think my friends should jump out of bushes and sit me down for an intervention every time I walk into a shoe store. However, As much as I love my ever growing shoe collection, this weekend as I was rearranging my closet, I stumbled onto a problem that I’ve never had before.

Have you ever loved something so much that reminded you of someone you hated? Ok, hate is a strong word; more like disliked, abhorred, despised…I’m sure you get my point by now. Well, it’s not so much that I hate anyone in my life, but many of the shoes that I came across in my closet this weekend did remind me of relationships that have gone south and people who have since been removed from my life. The worst part is, that the shoes that remind me of those people are actually some of my favorites.

I know that to many of you this problem seems trivial, but we all have certain things in our lives that we love and cherish, although they may not remind us of the best people or of the best times, but maybe just of the best memories we had at the time. For you, it may be a photograph that you hide, or a movie stub of a film you saw, which you might’ve hated but loved the person you went to go see the movie with. Or it could simply be a cologne or perfume, which you no longer like because it reminds you of a person who was once in your life, someone who’s not there now and you can no longer tolerate the scent, regardless of how delicious it may smell.

As often as I think of sex (and we know that’s way too often), this situation with my shoes gets even worse as many of the pairs I have were given to me by a few of my ex’s. I assure you that the last thing I need is to go on a hot date with an even hotter man and when he compliments my sexy pumps, I say: “Oh yeah, my ex and I had hot, sweaty, monkey sex in these” (Ok, I wouldn’t say that to begin with….at least not without four or five drinks in my system, but you know what I mean). The same thing applies when I’m sharing wonderful moments with my friends and the people I love and then I look down and see that the pair of stilettos on my feet were gifted by someone whom I can barely stand anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, I do become overwhelmingly melancholic when that realization happens.

It’s wonderful to hold onto a retentive memory. As humans, we feed off of that energy in order to cope and survive. But what happens when the memory you have isn’t necessarily a good one? And worse, what do you do when the thing that’s causing you to remember that hurtful memory is something you love? It’s hard to disassociate from a memory regardless of how hard we try. In some cases, it’s impossible and we never triumph in actually forgetting. But I’m slowly learning that maybe I can’t and shouldn’t be trying to forget those memories at all. Think about it: memories come from experience and experience is what makes us stronger, wiser and less likely to commit the same mistakes again.

So the next time I jump in my pumps, strap on my stilettos or parade in my peep-toes, I’ll remember that my shoes can only help me move into the future and not step back into my past and that’s where my memories, good or bad, should always remain.

-Ori

The Ghost of You

I live with a ghost. He doesn’t look like the ghosts in the movies, he doesn’t leave cryptic messages around the house; I’m not even scared of him. But I know he’s there. He’s always there. He’s there as I watch TV late at night, he’s there when I get on the “A” train in the morning, and he’s even there as I’m sitting at my desk at work. How do I know I live with a ghost that I can’t really see you ask? Easy, because I carry him in my heart.

I’m sure you live with a ghost too. Yes, you reading this. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. Have you ever missed someone? No, like really missed them. You know the type of missing that when you think of that person you still get butterflies in your stomach? The type of missing that even years after you last saw them you still remember the exact words said in your final conversation? The type of missing that makes you realize that they took a part of you you may never get back? If you can relate to any of the above, then you too are living with a ghost.

When I mention a phantasm I don’t necessarily speak of the memory of a significant other either. Maybe your ghost resembles your grandmother whom you so dearly miss, maybe it’s your friend whom you lost too soon or maybe your ghost is only one call away, but you’ve never built the courage to pick up the phone and dial their number. See, that’s the thing about phantoms, they don’t always visit us when they’re gone, often times it’s when they’re alive that they haunt us the most. The ugly sweater they gave you for the holidays, the stuffed animal you still have on top of your bed, the scent of someone wearing their cologne on the street….all reasons we hold on to the retentive memory of someone.

If there is one thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older it’s that regardless of how good or bad the times you shared with someone were, our memories are what keep us living. Sometimes we get so caught up in meaningless arguments and in such petty emotion that we end up killing people in our lives before their time. Our inability to forgive, our ego’s incapacity to say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I miss you’ are the things that hinder us the most. We are the creators of the ghosts that haunt us.

So how do you get rid of your ghost? I’m sorry, I don’t have the answer. I will tell you this however, every time your ghost appears, quit running away. If they keep coming back, it’s because they made a difference in your life. Embrace the fact that whether the difference was a positive one or a negative one, you are now a better person for it. If you spend that much time thinking about someone, make your memories happy ones, make them worth remembering. Remember, at the end of the day memories are all we get to take with us.

Ever wonder whose ghost YOU are?

– Orisel